Google Docs is an online service that provides a word processor, spreadsheet application, and a slide show program. It is available as part of Google Apps, for a specific team, or directly from Google.
Today I visited Google Docs to upload a document with a sugar cookie recipe, and I found that they’ve gone pink for the day. I did’t know the Google Docs folks were so into Valentines Day, but it looks like they’ve got pleanty of love to share.
I was looking back at a post that was never made public. There were a few brief phrases in the post that I think I’ll share. They are about crushes and dates.
Continue reading Looking back into the seven year mirror…
I got an unexpected text message on my phone today from a friend. It made me feel, well, liked. Thanks. Update,17 Sept: Oh, and phone calls are pretty fabtabulous too.
Without words, I could perfectly describe exactly how I feel. With words, not so much.
I’m not the one to quote song lyrics in my blog. I might make a few exceptions tonight.
Tell me there’s some hope for me. I don’t know how to dismantle an atomic bomb. I mean, who do think I am? But maybe by some unwritten rule, everything will be alright? I’m so scared about the future, but I don’t think I want to talk to you about it.
I was so wanting to do something that has never been done, but now I must move along. I needed, but instead I got something for which I had no use. It is because of you. I’m no fool. Was it all pretend? I am afraid. How could you dare? Was I sabotaged?
I hear the songs, in the middle of the night, they speak my words, they fill my sight. In this nocturnal state.
This category, Iubire translates to be love, but it really describes the destruction thereof.
Am I nerdy? Is that what my mission president thought of me? Is that what my high school teachers thought of me? And, most importantly, is that what girls think of me? By nerdy, I mean geeky. I’m ok with being smart, but nerdy is the guy with glasses and a pocket protector. I’ve worked so hard not to be nerdy. Have I failed? Seriously, ever since I was 17, not being nerdy was a major goal of mine, if I have failed, then indeed I have lost part of myself.
Am I strange or weird? I don’t even know what this means. Adnormal? I want so much to be normal. I think at one point I was. I think I’ve lost it though. My brain has stopped working the way it should. I know it has, and I don’t like it. That is why I’m taking off school, because I need some serious recovery. I need to be able to feel like I’m alive again.
Am I immature? In high school people told me that I acted too mature for my age. Now I’m feeling like people don’t think that about me any more? Have I stopped in my progression of maturity? I’m 25 years old, and they haven’t been easy years, especially that last 6. I am dissapointed to think that I’ve lost my maturity.
Am I single. Yes, but I’m not disappointed by this. I think though that some people think that I am. Marriage starved. Do I give off that appearance? I think there is a difference between desiring the benefits of being married and being marriage starved. I am no more wanting to get married than the day I got home from my mission. That was 4 years ago. I’m not going to get sloppy in dating just because someday I would like to be married. I’ll take another 4 years, or 40 if I have to, in order to make sure I marry the right person. I’m not in a rush, so I think I need to make sure I don’t give that appearance. I need to downplay my age, how long I’ve been home off my mission, and the fact that I’m single.
Am I honest? I hope so. Am I open? I hope so as well. Maybe this isn’t a good thing. Maybe I need to be less trusting and keep things to myself more and be more reserved in how I act and talk. While honesty is a good thing, I think I need to have more tact. I think this means that I’m going to have to kill or protect a lot of my blog entries so they can’t be read by people who will try and interpret meaning out of it.
Am I clever? Perhaps not. I think sometimes I think I am, but some people read right through it.
Well, the anxiety is back. I feel like I can’t breath. I feel scared to death of life and of the situation I’m in. I feel like I got enough insight into life to realize what sort of situation I’m in. I’m scared because I think that I need to really think about things, and I think that the more I think about things, the worse off I’m going to feel about things.
I went to Macey’s. I didn’t know why, until I got there. The reason why is that I knew that if I was wandering around in public at Macey’s then I couldn’t break down and cry. I’m not sure if I have a good reason to cry, it might just be the anxiety. I totally bought a bottle of Martinelli’s Sparkling Cider. I’m drinking it now. Something about drinking directly out of a glass bottle makes you feel better. I also bought milk and bread, but that was it. However, I spent almost an hour in Macey’s. I needed the time to walk and think and stuff.
Double crossed double betrayal. Maybe that is what I fear most. Will my further thinking inspire further insight that will lead me to such belief?
Driving fast with really loud music is also good theropy. I think I need to make a mix of music to describe how I feel now. This mix shall be called, “Inspired by Insight.” That should be the title of my next blog entry.
P.S. My arm is spazzing out. Oh, and is it wrong to spell check a password protected blog entry?
P.P.S. I also figured out why I’m so scared to sleep. It’s because I do my crying on my pillow, and I don’t want to go there.
I have this impending feeling of doom. Like I ignored or didn’t see a major warning sign and I’m about ready to drive my car over a cliff. I’m scared that I’m going to be destroyed. I think that I’m going to end up crying for a very long time.
When I was in Romania, I found this very good chocolate called Heidi Chocolate. It was the best milk chocolate that could be purchased for about 50 cents for 100 grams. It was good to eat along side pretzels, crackers, nuts, or just by itself. I really enjoyed it. I really enjoyed looking forward to eating it. It was sweet, it was good, it was delightful. It made me happy.
I just came across this website: beforeforever.byu.edu. I think it is very funny that BYU would have a web site like this. I guess it shows some of the BYU culture. I heard today that 52% of BYU grads are married. This is in comparison to the national average of only 11%.
If I were pessimistic, then I would concentrate on the stat aht 48% graduate from BYU without being able to get married. Perhaps if they didn’t allow single women to take more than an average class load then they would be free more often to be asked out on dates and the married percentage would go up.
Dear Long Lost Friend,
I found you tonight. The last time we talked we were young. Things were different. We were shorter. You held my hand on the way home from elementary school. You told me that it didn’t mean anything. Too bad I was too young for it to actually mean anything. Still, you were the first to hold my hand in that way.
Those were the days when “going out” meant that boys chased girls on the playground. The playground used to confuse me. I would rather read books than mindlessly beat a ball against the wall at recess. Didn’t I realize that I was just a kid and that I needed to play?
Remember in the 4th grade we had desks near each other. There was another girl, her name was Kelly–was that how you spelled it? We were a team, the three of us. Unstoppable we were. In high school she didn’t know me. She talked to my junior health class, how she got into some drugs and stuff and messed up her life some, but that she was getting better. I remember her innocence, in that 4th grade class, and to see how it was polluted and self-punished was more than a little sad. She was a part of the team. Maybe she forgot about that, but I still hope she is doing well.
I see myself in the reflection of my kitchen window. If our 4th grade team were to see my reflection right now, would I surprise you? Am I different than you would have expected? Am I too short? Have I lost too much? Would I disappoint you? Perhaps my greatest fear, to disappoint.
We used to solve puzzles together. You were so smart. I remember that. I think I realize now that I’ve always admired intelligence and brilliance. There are many beautiful crayons in the 64 count Crayola box, but only a few are brilliant. There are many beautiful people in this world, but you are one of the brilliant ones.
After elementary school graduation, you went to another school. I remember the next time I saw you, I randomly ended up tracting up to your door. Yours was the first door I knocked on, and I was so nervous just to be knocking on someone’s door, that I was staring incessantly at my feet. As the door opened, my eyes began their journey upwards, to see you standing there. I was old enough at the time to actually like girls in a real sense, and as I saw you, I recognized how attractive you had become since fourth grade. I froze–not being able to say a word. All I could barely do in my paralyzed state was to nudge one of my colleagues so that they would share the welcome-mat message.
Since that time, I saw you but just a few scattered moments, each made my heart flitter a bit like a kid choosing a flavor of lollipops.
I talked to you for just a few moments tonight, online, and my mind still clings to all the words displayed on the screen. Will our futures ever collide again? If I see you, will I be just some distant acquaintance, or will it be a reunion? I had one of those fourth grade crushes on you way back in those days of simple worries. That was over fifteen years ago, and I still have a fourth grade crush on you, or at least, a crush on the memory of what you might have grown up to be. Should our paths cross at more than just an intersection, I look forward to become your friend again, in maybe a way that won’t be quite so fourth grade.
I like M&Ms. Especially orange ones. Actually, I like Reese’s Pieces slightly better than M&Ms, because of the peanut butter. However, M&Ms have a slightly better name, even though I have no idea where it comes from. My favorite M&Ms though are peanut M&Ms.
I had an idea for M&Ms. They should have a limited edition M&Ms variation where the chocolate inside the candy shell, is actually white chocolate, instead of milk chocolate. I think that would be delicious.